'No place for pirates' - a press conference at the FIFA World Cup
At the 2010 World Cup, friend and collaborator Cameron Fink and I made stories for 'Santo Sam and Ed's Cup Fever'. I went to one England press conference as a pirate.
I’m not at Qatar 2022. I’d say it’s a principled stand, but then I wasn’t so principled that I didn’t buy tickets to all our group games in a mist of green and gold euphoria the day after the Socceroos qualified.
But after months of prevarication, my mate Cam Fink and I put them up for resale. It isn’t just the human rights abuses. I was at Putin’s World Cup, after all. But with Qatar, there’s been a crude oil cocktail of reasons not to commit — heat, expensive yet ordinary accommodation, a single-city tournament, lingering bid bitterness from 2010 (how could we spend A$42 million and win one vote!) and yes, human rights.
It actually hurts to be missing it though. I made a promise to myself when I was lucky enough to glimpse France ‘98 as a contestant in ‘Race Around the World’ (ABCTV) that if I were physically (and financially) able, I’d always go to World Cups. It’s been one of the great decisions of my life. My tally stands at four — France ‘98, Germany ‘06, South Africa ‘10, Russia ‘18 — I’ve found ways to work at all four, and they are the best trips of my life.
There’s a joyousness that goes with hosting the biggest party on Earth and it’s exhilarating just to be there when locals are feeling their absolute best. Australians had a taste of it with the 2000 Olympics. But this is football! It’s bigger and more tribal than Olympic sport. People care more. I’m feeling the pangs of absence. The excitement of walking through a World Cup turnstile, of knowing the stakes at play, of glimpsing the green of the pitch for the first time. Those sounds and colours that I love are happening right now! I’ve been misery-buying 2023 Women’s World Cup tickets to make myself feel better. That’s going to be an incredible event too.
I did the Inside Football podcast with Joe Simon after the Qatar versus Ecuador game, which was a bit of a match review, and a bit of a preview for Socceroos versus France tomorrow morning.
Joe also wanted to talk about my World Cup travels. He was a teen in 2010, and remembers me popping up on Santo Sam and Ed’s Cup Fever as the roving reporter. In particular, we chatted about one spot I did from the streets of South Africa dressed as a pirate. The idea was to inject a bit of ‘feeling’ into the England-Algeria rivalry:
Here’s the opening piece to camera.
The English team behind me are getting ready to take on Algeria. We’ve been looking for traditional rivalries between the two teams, and discovered that the Algerian pirate Barbarossa or ‘Redbeard’ stole 466 merchant ships between 1609 and 1616, and it’s put a real firecracker under the game.
We then pass that firecracker to the two sets of fans, receive a stiffly acted ‘Look it’s a very important thing to us that we lost these ships’ from a young English chap, but then an outstanding, ‘Was 400 years ago! You have to move on!’ from an intense Algerian. A older guy wearing a bobby’s hat sings a wonderful, ‘We want our ships back!’ and the segment concludes with an Algerian chorus of ‘You should take better care of your merchant ships’, and ‘466, hooray!’
I remember the madness of setting up this little video. Cam and I had been at a loss for what to do for England-Algeria until I dug up some facts about missing ships on Wikipedia over breakfast. We then found our fans near Cape Town Stadium and convinced them to get passionate about Barbarossa and the golden age of piracy.
‘Sir. Can you please sing, “We want our ships back!” It’s for a sketch. You have to pretend you’re angry about losing some ships to an Algerian pirate in 1609.’
‘You want me to sing?’
‘Yes please. Like it’s a football song.’
‘But about ships?’
‘Yes. And pirates.’
And then we did it all again with Arabic speakers.
I bought the costume after we’d done the set up with the fans. The idea was to do a piece to camera in front of the final England training. Unfortunately, Redbeard’s beard wsan’t red. Training was about to start and we just couldn’t find the barbarossa the moment required. But we did record the piece, with Rooney, Lampard, Gerrard, Terry et al running around in the background.
Afterwards, Cam and I attended the press conference for Fabio Capello and Steven Gerrard, using the accreditation that had been organised for us through our producers at Working Dog. I was still dressed as a pirate, and before things got underway the bored British press came past in a procession. I was photographed, filmed and interviewed as Redbeard.
Eventually a FIFA representative approached:
‘What’s that about?’ she said, pointing at me.
We explained the show and the segment idea.
‘You can stay, but you can’t ask any questions,’ she said.
We agreed to that, but then a man from the English FA rushed over. 'What’s this clown doing. He’s not allowed in here! He’s going to make a scene and we want him out!’
I was taken into the stairwell and given a talking to about the seriousness of the tournament: ‘Look we believe you when you say you won’t ask a question, but this press conference is not a place for funny stuff,’ the FIFA woman said. ‘You should either remove the costume and stay, or keep the costume on, and leave.’
Cam had me on a radio mike, and the audio of a pirate in the stairwell being told off for being a pirate was ringing through his headphones. It was making him laugh, so Cam turned the camera on. He was holding it low, trying to appear like he wasn’t filming.
Another FIFA official saw that Cam was rolling. ‘What the fuck mate? We’re trying to do the right thing by you, and you’re filming us!’
Cam was asked to hand over his camera. The official deleted the most recent video files. I removed my beard and hat. We were a threat neutralized. The press conference proceeded, and as promised, contained no funny stuff. There was a heaviness in the air, and quiet, empty cliches from the men on stage. A journo thanked me on the way out for making things momentarily interesting. ‘I think a pirate question would have benefited us all,’ he said. ‘Aussie pirate’ stories ran in two British tabloids. The clip was on Santo Sam and Ed’s Cup Fever the next night.
England-Algeria finished nil-all.
I will be on Wednesday’s edition of Inside Football podcast with Joe Simon and Santo Cilauro. I’ll also be on Kick360 that day. Go Socceroos! I’m nervous.