Each year I’m the MC of a primary school fundraiser called Westgarth Idol. It’s a parent night devised in the naughties by a man called Justin Gray, who decided that the trivia night would be more fun with no trivia. There are no children invited, and for a long time having fun was much more important than raising money. Then we accidentally started raising quite a lot of money for the school, and now having fun is balanced with raising money.
I always open proceeding with a song, and since 2014 I’ve taken turns as Eric Idle, Piggy Pop, Dingo Starr, Elvis Parsley and The Human Fly (from the Cramps song).
I usually have a song choice battle with daughter Polly, now 17, who begs me not to sing any songs she likes. ‘No offence dad, if you sing them, you sometimes spoil those songs for me’.
No offence.
I actually don’t take offence. I can see how that might happen. I’m not musically gifted. I’m not really a ‘triple threat’ in the Hugh Jackman mould. I’m more a single threat — to the song, mainly, and your long term memories of it.
The one Polly’s really mad about is when I sang Donna Summer’s ‘Hot Stuff’ dressed as the novel coronavirus.
Last year I wore the primary school uniform, with an enlarged ‘Safe, Fair and Friendly’ school logo. I riffed on The Golden Lunchbox (award for least amount of rubbish thrown out by a class, and a clarion call for parents to JUST THROW THE WRAPPERS OUT AT HOME) and The Golden Boot (award for the class who were most eco in the way they got to school (punish the out of towners). I’ve long campaigned for their to be a third award called The Golden Snitch, for the kid who does the most dobbing in a single week. The winner of Westgarth Idol receives the coveted Golden Microphone.
The song I chose to ruin for Polly last year was The Pet Shop Boys ‘Go West’, which pleased her no end because she didn’t like it anyway. I thought I might add a little bit of Pet Shop Boys 80s panache to the performance by ripping off the school uniform mid song, and presenting myself in hot pants and pink sequins.
Here are the adapted lyrics:
Go West!(garth)
Verse
Together, we will learn and play
Together, together in the Westgarth way
Together, on our idol night
Together, yes my singing’s shite
Together, though the notes get high
Together, watch our idols try
Together, we will sing for you
Together, that’s what we’re gonna do!
Chorus
Westgarth, ‘Safe and friendly’ there
Westgarth, whoops I left out ‘fair’
Westgarth, win the Golden Boot
Westgarth, the Golden Lunchbox too
Verse
Together, sharing food is banned
Together, our school fete is grand
Together, we don’t call it a fete
Fiesta, ‘cause our Spanish is great
On Monday, it’s assembly
Except when, they make it student free
And that’s when, we all stay at home
And together, we stare at our phone
Chorus
Westgarth, Safe and friendly there
Westgarth, whoops I left out fair
Westgarth, I’m your MC Tony
Westgarth, the golden microphoney!
Westgarth, No hats in wintertime
Westgarth, I will take off mine
Westgarth, tonight let’s just all be free
Westgarth, this is who I want to be!!!
[Remove school uniform, reveal skimpy disco wear]
Bridge (sung by band)
Now we let Tony be
The MC (The MC) That he was born to be
Now as the Idol band
We’ll find, (we’ll find) Our promised land
[Key change]
Our promised land is [replaces what we’re going to do is]
Chorus
Westgarth, we send our children there
Westgarth, so much love and care
Westgarth, slice of idol heaven
Westgarth, we’ll party till eleven
Westgarth, safe and friendly there
Westgarth, whoops I left out fair
Westgarth, sing along with me
Westgarth, this is our pupil free!!!
Westgarth, Westgarth Idol’s back
Westgarth, Vote for your favourite act
Westgarth, songs and band set too
Westgarth. This is what we’re gonna do!
Come on come come one cone on
Westgarth!
All of which brings me to the question at top of page. Can I tax deduct my hot pants? I’m not paid for the Westgarth Idol gig, but I do do MC work professionally. Uniforms aren’t tax deductible (I believe) but surely costumes are? What about the velcro you use to hold stripper shorts together?
I have these questions and more for my accountant.
And it’s possible, just possible, that I’m wearing the hot pants again tomorrow night, for a new act and a new song. Can you write down hot pants over a period of years? The theme tomorrow is ‘Idol Eras’ and there are Taylor Swift vibes to the promo poster. Tay Tay. To To. To Tay. Hmmm.
Tickets for Westgarth Idol 2024 are available here. Sales close at midnight tonight. if you’re a school parent, come along. It really is fun.
Can I tax deduct my hot pants?