I don’t think I’ve ever laughed harder in a phone interview. Paul Salmon is one of the great footy raconteurs. He’s also one of the best ever players. 324 games for Essendon and Hawthorn, a champion at both clubs — Ranked #26 in the Champions of Essendon, a member of Hawthorn’s Team of the Century. There was a fuss last year over whether Nick Daicos was stringing together the best first thirty games in the history of the game. Salmon kicked 92 goals in his first 25 games, and 63 goals in 13 games before he did his knee in 1984.
This is the story of a ‘Dad’s day’ at Park Orchards kinder in the late 80s. Paul Salmon found himself playing the Big Bad Wolf in the 3 Little Pigs. Kevin Sheedy, his legendary coach was cast as Little Piggy #2.
I conducted this interview while doing research for my ‘Yabby’ biography, which has been delayed while I finish a sports documentary, but will be finished this year. To receive updates, sign up for the newsletter.
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There are a lot of
people who receive this Substack, and tbh we prefer Salmon to appear like this:
Paul Salmon:
So yeah, as fate would have it, Sheeds has a beautiful daughter named Jessica, the same age as my daughter, Leah. He lives in Park Orchards, I lived in Donvale, and we both sent our daughters to kindergarten in Park Orchards, at the Park Orchards kindergarten.
So I'm about, what am I? … 25 at the time, still a bit spooked by Kevin to be honest. And we played Richmond on a Saturday and on the Sunday it was the annual Father’s or Dad's Day at kindergarten. And it was a bit surreal for me, because rocking up to kindergarten with my daughter, Leah, and getting an insight to what she does on a day-to-day basis — it's meant to be a good day. It's always a great day.
And then Sheeds rocks up, and here's my coach, and again, the relationship isn't like warm and fuzzy. It's like, he's my coach, I'm his player.
And he said, 'Big fella, how are you?' And I said, 'Going alright, Kev. It was a solid win yesterday…’
We beat Richmond the day before, so it was a good result on the Saturday. And I'd done, okay. And so it was all good.
And the whistle blows, and the kindergarten teacher calls us inside, and we all sit around with our daughters in our laps, and the teacher goes, 'Well, what we're going to do today is we're going to experience what your kids experience at kindergarten. So you'll see that there are stations around the perimeter of the classroom. So your child will take you to a station and they'll show you what to do, and how to do it.’
So my daughter, Leah knows I love building blocks. So she took me to the building blocks, and we started building this amazing tower with our building blocks. I'm looking over the other side of the kindergarten room, and I see Sheeds in a smock, and he's fingerpainting with Jessica. And this is like, if only my teammates could see me now! This is fantastic. And he's fingerpainting —he's taking it really seriously. I think he was only — he's just drawing a picture of a tree. I mean, seriously!
And then the whistle blows. We change stations, I go to a jigsaw puzzle. He goes to the plaster of Paris. He keeps his smock on. Jessica and him are having a great time. The whistle goes for a third time, and the teacher says, 'We're going to go downstairs and play a game.’
So we all rush downstairs, we sit on the beanbags, we've got our kids in our laps, and she goes, 'We're going to play the game of the Big Bad Wolf.’
So this is the crescendo, this is what we've all been waiting for. And there's about twenty-five dads in the room with their kids on their laps. And there's three chairs up the front. And each of them have a seat, of course, with a gap between the back rest and the seat. And they're turned around facing the opposite way.
And the teacher says, 'We're going to play the game of The Big Bad Wolf —you know, The Three Little Pigs. We need some volunteers and we need a first little pig?’
And all the kids put their hands up and she chose little Billy. Little Billy got up to go to the House of Straw, behind a chair, and puts his head between the backrest and the seat —looks fantastic!
'We're going to need one of the dads to play the second little pig.'
And none of the dads wanted a bar of it, they're looking around. And Sheeds ended up volunteering, God bless him, and he swaggered up to the second chair, the House of Sticks, and he put his head between the backrest and the seat. And when you isolate Kevin's head, it's not a pretty sight on a Sunday morning, I'll be honest.
And then she got another volunteer for the House of Bricks. And little Sally got the gig for the House of Bricks.
Now she needed a Big Bad Wolf.
And I swear, Tony, none of the dads were engaging. No one wanted to be the Big Bad Wolf. And I made the critical mistake of catching Kevin's eye, and he's still got his head between that — it's a very visual story — because he's still got his head planted between the backrest and the seat on this chair. And he looks at me like … it's that three quarter time, pull-your-finger out kind of face I used to get a lot. And so I reluctantly said to the teacher, I put my hand up, I said, 'I'll be the Big Bad Wolf.’
And she goes, 'Do you know the words Paul?’ I said, 'I'll do my best. I think I'm familiar with it.'
So I went to the first, I went to the House of Straw, and I said, 'Little piggy, little piggy, let me in!' And little Billy said, 'Not by the hair, of my chinny chinny chin!' and I'm thinking to myself, this is going ok. And I said, 'Well, little Billy, I'll have to huff and puff and blow your house in!' And little Billy just gets up and he scampers about two metres away where Kevin's sitting and jumps on his back.
And the dads seemed to be getting into it, so I kind of knocked the chair over, just put the House of Straw out of business.
And I go to the House of Sticks, and there's Kevin looking up at me. He's had sixty-eight chardonnays the night before, and the nose is glowing. And here I am, I'm talking to my coach. I just couldn't believe I'm about to say this.
And I said, 'Little piggy, little piggy, let me in!’ And he looks at me, he goes, 'Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin!' And so I started to ad-lib a little bit. I said, 'Well you know the consequences little pig, I'm going to have to huff and puff and blow your house in!' And he looked up at me, and he paused. And because Kevin's mantra is about never giving in, and always staying positive no matter what the circumstances. He looks at me and he goes, 'Just try it, son.’
And all the dads started pissing themselves. And I said, 'No little pig, the story, you have to go!' He goes, 'I'm not going anywhere.' And I said, I looked at the teacher and she shrugs her shoulders. And I go, 'I think it's over?' And she goes... and Sally's sitting there behind the bricks going, 'What about me?' And I said, 'Sorry, Sally. It's a wrap. It's a wrap.'
So Kevin just lives and breathes … no situation is irretrievable. He didn't have to —just because the story said he had to say, ‘I'm out of here'. He refused to accept it. So that was the story of The Three Little Pigs, and Kevin, just ruining what is a great nursery rhyme.
'We're going to need one of the dads to play the second little pig'